Wow...so much I want to say this week but I'll try to keep it short and sweet. I'll start with the fact that I gained one pound back this week- but you know what? I am still full of joy and focusing on the fact that I still made some good food choices among the not so good ones and I never looked in the mirror and thought "I look so gross" so that is a win for me! In addition to that, God took particular interest in reminding me how much He loves people in pretty much every aspect of life this past week. I can't duplicate Josh Kouri's sermon from this morning but I can link you to the church website and highly encourage you to sit through it once it is posted this week! This week my heart is heavy with the burden of God's love for humanity. One of my favorite parts of Josh's sermon today, which I will now take and share with you is that humanity is a two sided coin. One side being dignity, the other, depravity. We have this awesome built-in, chosen and dignified aspect of being people that allows us in our most depraved state to still be witnesses to a Holy, Awesome, Creator of the Universe. Just chew on that until you can watch the sermon for yourself.
The coolest part about this sermon for me was that God has already been deeply moving me to loving and reaching out to everyone that comes across my path with and eagerness to be a reflection of His deep love for them. Then through a completely divine appointment Aldo and I learned about Send Out Cards(https://www.sendoutcards.com/139875/) and we fell in love with this awesome tool of building and enhancing relationships. I am so excited to see what God is going to do with that!
I love that God brought me to this place of completely appreciating who He created me to be and since I have embraced His love for who He made me to be, doors have been opened in an untold number of areas in my life, making way for me to accomplish things and experience life in a way that I never have...regardless of how much I weigh. I'll throw up a link to today's sermon when it comes up or you can keep tabs on http://www.frontlinechurch.tv
Weighty Issues
I think weekly posts are easier haha! I haven't fallen off the wagon just yet, yay! I do believe I have decided to believe a few things regarding this journey...
1. If you aren't willing to deal with your fears and emotional wounds, you will never maintain a healthy lifestyle.
2. Don't set goals. WHAT?!
3. Minutes turn into hours, hours into days and days into weeks, months and years.
If you are at a point of obesity, I am telling you that you have issues, apart from your weight, that need to be dealt with. If you don't believe me, you are in denial. If you, like me, are eager to lose weight and be healthier, start with your emotional health. You and I can never begin to celebrate ourselves at a lower weight or smaller size if we can't celebrate ourselves as we are. I don't believe you can maintain any success in regards to your health if you don't have your best interests at heart. So, find a counselor and make an appointment. 3rd party individuals who are trained to coach you into a healthy mentality will be incredibly beneficial on this journey.
Now you want to know why on earth I would go against every one who has advice regarding these issues and say "Do NOT set goals". Let me elaborate. If you are making these efforts for a class reunion, vacation, significant other(or anyone besides yourself for that matter)...etc...they won't last. If you need goals to keep moving forward set very small and short term goals. In example, set a healthy caloric intake for today. Only focus on that day, that hour, that minute. It can become overwhelming when faced with months of skipping indulgences and "enjoying" life. Every day allow yourself some success, however small it may be and regardless of your failures that day. Rejoice in those days that you meet every goal. Instead of rewarding yourself with a cookie or a martini- reward yourself in healthy ways- buy some new workout pants, take a minute off of your exercise routine for one session. Get away from letting what you eat and drink determine your happiness and/or enjoyment.
When you make choices by the minute, it is easier to make the right or healthy choice. Slowly those minutes turn into an hour of good choices, those hours of good choices turn into days and etc. If you allow yourself to be devoid of a timeline for this transition, you allow yourself to become healthy without the emotional cost of "failing" when that day or event comes and goes and you weren't quite ready for it. Don't just lose weight or reach a certain size- become healthy...emotionally and physically.
That is what I am choosing to believe in on this journey. Maybe someday I can prove myself right ;)
Falling down and getting up
Day 2 was okay until I tried to be a fun mom. Toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, salmon, lentils and brown rice for dinner....a blanket fort and 4 cookies later- I'm feeling a little guilty. I think even one cookie would have been fine but four?? Well tomorrow is a new day and I think the important question here is: why do I need to eat to have fun? I think I need to find some fun dessert/appetizers that are really healthy to help transition out of that habit. Tomorrow I'm starting off with some Wii Fit to kick start activity and begin training for that insane idea of a half marathon. See you tomorrow!
Day 1
I didn't want to set unattainable goals but I did that today thanks to my friend Sheryl. I'm going to train with her to run a half marathon in Dallas in May- holy cow! Anyway, I decided to begin, I would just change my food choices and amounts so that is what I practiced today. I chose a soup and salad when dining out for lunch and had soup with a slice of whole wheat bread for dinner. I also decided to ditch soda which means I have a killer headache as I head to bed! I am also majorly craving sugar right now so in keeping with my idea of thinking about what I was eating I chose to have two slices of bread with nutella instead of a dessert. So, you are thinking those aren't huge changes... But I'm taking this a day at a time and I'm going to bed proud of my choices today. I feel good and that's what is most important to me!
Resolutions...
Alright... I am doing this. I feel like I am really ready and I WANT to see myself the way I feel about myself. So I'll just throw this picture up, taken today by my mother-in-law.
I generally pose myself in a more flattering way for photos but this candid just plain tells it how it is. Believe me I already knew and it is a great "before" photo, don't you think?
A Love Story
I have this vision of myself, doing things. I’m rock climbing or hiking through the woods or kayaking or swimming in the ocean and I am not thinking about how I look doing it or how I can’t do it or how much I hate doing it because it is too difficult.... I am just living it and enjoying it and enjoying the way I feel. At peace.
That is how I feel spiritually right now. I am just enjoying every moment that I spend with God, even the uncomfortable ones. Because I finally feel like I have realized what it means to receive God’s love- and once you open yourself to that, every minute you are accepting it, is a moment of clarity, of peace, of pure love. No, my entire day doesn’t feel like that- but I hope that as God refines me and teaches me to continually open my heart to Him, more and more of my day will feel like that, regardless of the outlying circumstances.
Sometimes, my heart breaks for me. This is a fairly new revelation. Often in my life my heart has broken for other people and situations, but never for myself. I am not talking about feeling sorry for myself...I have done plenty of that in my life. This is a very deep, emotional understanding of where I am versus what God has for me. The beautiful and rewarding aspect of your heart breaking for yourself is that God promises that He will finish the work He has started in us- a very all encompassing work. When my heart breaks for me, it is a beautiful moment of feeling God’s presence and deepest desires for me. Of course I also feel completely broken but then, there is God right there with me speaking His promises to my heart.
Right now, I am not the parent or wife I would like to be. I weigh 188 pounds. 3 days ago I weighed 192 pounds. one.ninety.two. That is the most I have ever weighed. And yet, I am okay with who I am right now.
Wait, what?
Yep. I am OKAY WITH THAT. There is a part of me that was completely disgusted and self-loathing when I weighed 160 pounds and I was eating barely anything and working out every day. Even on those rare days when I felt like I was winning the housewife/stay-at-home mom trophy- the depth of my triumph could never reach the depth of my insecurities and personal hatred. So why on earth am I okay with the size I am right now? Why am I okay with my insufficiencies as a wife and mother?
I love myself. I see value and worth when I look at myself. I see the promises of God when I look in the mirror. I see His grace.
This has been a difficult journey for me and it certainly isn’t over. It is a daily thing to remind myself that my life is beautiful and so am I. But now I can say it to myself, and I mean it.
Is it okay for me to weigh 188 or 192 or 160 even? Is it okay when I yell at my kids or neglect folding laundry? The simplest answer: Yes.
The more complex answer: Not really. Right now, its okay. God allowed me to be at this point for very good reasons, no matter how many poor or inevitable choices got me here. He needed me to know that I had worth and value when I realized it was hard to cross my legs because of my weight. He needed me to know that I was his precious bride when my biggest pair of jeans barely buttoned. He needed me to know that even on my worst days as a mother when I parent terribly, order pizza for dinner and drink Dr. Pepper while sitting in bed- His presence will still fall on me and move me and speak to my heart, because He loves me.
I believe that when I dream and have visions of traveling and accomplishing exciting things, that someday those will be my reality. I also believe that God will bring me to that reality. What I don’t believe is that I am going to pray really hard and wake up skinny. I don’t believe that I will now make it through every day making the best possible food and exercise or even parenting choices for the rest of my life. I can say with all confidence that I will fail and I will struggle but something that I will not allow to happen ever again is believing that I am not worth fighting for. So I will be taking it one day at a time, loving my life and who I was created to be.
That is how I feel spiritually right now. I am just enjoying every moment that I spend with God, even the uncomfortable ones. Because I finally feel like I have realized what it means to receive God’s love- and once you open yourself to that, every minute you are accepting it, is a moment of clarity, of peace, of pure love. No, my entire day doesn’t feel like that- but I hope that as God refines me and teaches me to continually open my heart to Him, more and more of my day will feel like that, regardless of the outlying circumstances.
Sometimes, my heart breaks for me. This is a fairly new revelation. Often in my life my heart has broken for other people and situations, but never for myself. I am not talking about feeling sorry for myself...I have done plenty of that in my life. This is a very deep, emotional understanding of where I am versus what God has for me. The beautiful and rewarding aspect of your heart breaking for yourself is that God promises that He will finish the work He has started in us- a very all encompassing work. When my heart breaks for me, it is a beautiful moment of feeling God’s presence and deepest desires for me. Of course I also feel completely broken but then, there is God right there with me speaking His promises to my heart.
Right now, I am not the parent or wife I would like to be. I weigh 188 pounds. 3 days ago I weighed 192 pounds. one.ninety.two. That is the most I have ever weighed. And yet, I am okay with who I am right now.
Wait, what?
Yep. I am OKAY WITH THAT. There is a part of me that was completely disgusted and self-loathing when I weighed 160 pounds and I was eating barely anything and working out every day. Even on those rare days when I felt like I was winning the housewife/stay-at-home mom trophy- the depth of my triumph could never reach the depth of my insecurities and personal hatred. So why on earth am I okay with the size I am right now? Why am I okay with my insufficiencies as a wife and mother?
I love myself. I see value and worth when I look at myself. I see the promises of God when I look in the mirror. I see His grace.
This has been a difficult journey for me and it certainly isn’t over. It is a daily thing to remind myself that my life is beautiful and so am I. But now I can say it to myself, and I mean it.
Is it okay for me to weigh 188 or 192 or 160 even? Is it okay when I yell at my kids or neglect folding laundry? The simplest answer: Yes.
The more complex answer: Not really. Right now, its okay. God allowed me to be at this point for very good reasons, no matter how many poor or inevitable choices got me here. He needed me to know that I had worth and value when I realized it was hard to cross my legs because of my weight. He needed me to know that I was his precious bride when my biggest pair of jeans barely buttoned. He needed me to know that even on my worst days as a mother when I parent terribly, order pizza for dinner and drink Dr. Pepper while sitting in bed- His presence will still fall on me and move me and speak to my heart, because He loves me.
I believe that when I dream and have visions of traveling and accomplishing exciting things, that someday those will be my reality. I also believe that God will bring me to that reality. What I don’t believe is that I am going to pray really hard and wake up skinny. I don’t believe that I will now make it through every day making the best possible food and exercise or even parenting choices for the rest of my life. I can say with all confidence that I will fail and I will struggle but something that I will not allow to happen ever again is believing that I am not worth fighting for. So I will be taking it one day at a time, loving my life and who I was created to be.
Chapter Next
It has been 2 months since my last post...far too long to ignore my blog, my bad. In fact the last two months has been quite transitional. God has shown me a lot about perspectives, love and faith. I spent a month away from family but enriched by friends and family in Kenya and Mauritius. I returned home to the biggest decision Aldo and I have had to make in a long time - moving. As God continues to grow us and guide us there are a lot of things I am learning and my love for Watonga, Oklahoma is assurance for me that this is where God wants us. I know there is a lot to be read in between these lines but as I am still processing the last two months I am not going to go into all of it now. I love Jesus, I want to be crazy in love with Him...and so that is what I am focusing on now as we begin a new chapter in rural Oklahoma.
