A Love Story

I have this vision of myself, doing things. I’m rock climbing or hiking through the woods or kayaking or swimming in the ocean and I am not thinking about how I look doing it or how I can’t do it or how much I hate doing it because it is too difficult.... I am just living it and enjoying it and enjoying the way I feel. At peace.

That is how I feel spiritually right now. I am just enjoying every moment that I spend with God, even the uncomfortable ones. Because I finally feel like I have realized what it means to receive God’s love- and once you open yourself to that, every minute you are accepting it, is a moment of clarity, of peace, of pure love. No, my entire day doesn’t feel like that- but I hope that as God refines me and teaches me to continually open my heart to Him, more and more of my day will feel like that, regardless of the outlying circumstances.

Sometimes, my heart breaks for me. This is a fairly new revelation. Often in my life my heart has broken for other people and situations, but never for myself. I am not talking about feeling sorry for myself...I have done plenty of that in my life. This is a very deep, emotional understanding of where I am versus what God has for me. The beautiful and rewarding aspect of your heart breaking for yourself is that God promises that He will finish the work He has started in us- a very all encompassing work. When my heart breaks for me, it is a beautiful moment of feeling God’s presence and deepest desires for me. Of course I also feel completely broken but then, there is God right there with me speaking His promises to my heart.

Right now, I am not the parent or wife I would like to be. I weigh 188 pounds. 3 days ago I weighed 192 pounds. one.ninety.two. That is the most I have ever weighed. And yet, I am okay with who I am right now.

Wait, what?

Yep. I am OKAY WITH THAT. There is a part of me that was completely disgusted and self-loathing when I weighed 160 pounds and I was eating barely anything and working out every day. Even on those rare days when I felt like I was winning the housewife/stay-at-home mom trophy- the depth of my triumph could never reach the depth of my insecurities and personal hatred. So why on earth am I okay with the size I am right now? Why am I okay with my insufficiencies as a wife and mother?

I love myself. I see value and worth when I look at myself. I see the promises of God when I look in the mirror. I see His grace.

This has been a difficult journey for me and it certainly isn’t over. It is a daily thing to remind myself that my life is beautiful and so am I. But now I can say it to myself, and I mean it.

Is it okay for me to weigh 188 or 192 or 160 even? Is it okay when I yell at my kids or neglect folding laundry? The simplest answer: Yes.

The more complex answer: Not really. Right now, its okay. God allowed me to be at this point for very good reasons, no matter how many poor or inevitable choices got me here. He needed me to know that I had worth and value when I realized it was hard to cross my legs because of my weight. He needed me to know that I was his precious bride when my biggest pair of jeans barely buttoned. He needed me to know that even on my worst days as a mother when I parent terribly, order pizza for dinner and drink Dr. Pepper while sitting in bed- His presence will still fall on me and move me and speak to my heart, because He loves me.

I believe that when I dream and have visions of traveling and accomplishing exciting things, that someday those will be my reality. I also believe that God will bring me to that reality. What I don’t believe is that I am going to pray really hard and wake up skinny. I don’t believe that I will now make it through every day making the best possible food and exercise or even parenting choices for the rest of my life. I can say with all confidence that I will fail and I will struggle but something that I will not allow to happen ever again is believing that I am not worth fighting for. So I will be taking it one day at a time, loving my life and who I was created to be.



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