Wow...so much I want to say this week but I'll try to keep it short and sweet. I'll start with the fact that I gained one pound back this week- but you know what? I am still full of joy and focusing on the fact that I still made some good food choices among the not so good ones and I never looked in the mirror and thought "I look so gross" so that is a win for me! In addition to that, God took particular interest in reminding me how much He loves people in pretty much every aspect of life this past week. I can't duplicate Josh Kouri's sermon from this morning but I can link you to the church website and highly encourage you to sit through it once it is posted this week! This week my heart is heavy with the burden of God's love for humanity. One of my favorite parts of Josh's sermon today, which I will now take and share with you is that humanity is a two sided coin. One side being dignity, the other, depravity. We have this awesome built-in, chosen and dignified aspect of being people that allows us in our most depraved state to still be witnesses to a Holy, Awesome, Creator of the Universe. Just chew on that until you can watch the sermon for yourself.
The coolest part about this sermon for me was that God has already been deeply moving me to loving and reaching out to everyone that comes across my path with and eagerness to be a reflection of His deep love for them. Then through a completely divine appointment Aldo and I learned about Send Out Cards(https://www.sendoutcards.com/139875/) and we fell in love with this awesome tool of building and enhancing relationships. I am so excited to see what God is going to do with that!
I love that God brought me to this place of completely appreciating who He created me to be and since I have embraced His love for who He made me to be, doors have been opened in an untold number of areas in my life, making way for me to accomplish things and experience life in a way that I never have...regardless of how much I weigh. I'll throw up a link to today's sermon when it comes up or you can keep tabs on http://www.frontlinechurch.tv
Weighty Issues
I think weekly posts are easier haha! I haven't fallen off the wagon just yet, yay! I do believe I have decided to believe a few things regarding this journey...
1. If you aren't willing to deal with your fears and emotional wounds, you will never maintain a healthy lifestyle.
2. Don't set goals. WHAT?!
3. Minutes turn into hours, hours into days and days into weeks, months and years.
If you are at a point of obesity, I am telling you that you have issues, apart from your weight, that need to be dealt with. If you don't believe me, you are in denial. If you, like me, are eager to lose weight and be healthier, start with your emotional health. You and I can never begin to celebrate ourselves at a lower weight or smaller size if we can't celebrate ourselves as we are. I don't believe you can maintain any success in regards to your health if you don't have your best interests at heart. So, find a counselor and make an appointment. 3rd party individuals who are trained to coach you into a healthy mentality will be incredibly beneficial on this journey.
Now you want to know why on earth I would go against every one who has advice regarding these issues and say "Do NOT set goals". Let me elaborate. If you are making these efforts for a class reunion, vacation, significant other(or anyone besides yourself for that matter)...etc...they won't last. If you need goals to keep moving forward set very small and short term goals. In example, set a healthy caloric intake for today. Only focus on that day, that hour, that minute. It can become overwhelming when faced with months of skipping indulgences and "enjoying" life. Every day allow yourself some success, however small it may be and regardless of your failures that day. Rejoice in those days that you meet every goal. Instead of rewarding yourself with a cookie or a martini- reward yourself in healthy ways- buy some new workout pants, take a minute off of your exercise routine for one session. Get away from letting what you eat and drink determine your happiness and/or enjoyment.
When you make choices by the minute, it is easier to make the right or healthy choice. Slowly those minutes turn into an hour of good choices, those hours of good choices turn into days and etc. If you allow yourself to be devoid of a timeline for this transition, you allow yourself to become healthy without the emotional cost of "failing" when that day or event comes and goes and you weren't quite ready for it. Don't just lose weight or reach a certain size- become healthy...emotionally and physically.
That is what I am choosing to believe in on this journey. Maybe someday I can prove myself right ;)
Falling down and getting up
Day 2 was okay until I tried to be a fun mom. Toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, salmon, lentils and brown rice for dinner....a blanket fort and 4 cookies later- I'm feeling a little guilty. I think even one cookie would have been fine but four?? Well tomorrow is a new day and I think the important question here is: why do I need to eat to have fun? I think I need to find some fun dessert/appetizers that are really healthy to help transition out of that habit. Tomorrow I'm starting off with some Wii Fit to kick start activity and begin training for that insane idea of a half marathon. See you tomorrow!
Day 1
I didn't want to set unattainable goals but I did that today thanks to my friend Sheryl. I'm going to train with her to run a half marathon in Dallas in May- holy cow! Anyway, I decided to begin, I would just change my food choices and amounts so that is what I practiced today. I chose a soup and salad when dining out for lunch and had soup with a slice of whole wheat bread for dinner. I also decided to ditch soda which means I have a killer headache as I head to bed! I am also majorly craving sugar right now so in keeping with my idea of thinking about what I was eating I chose to have two slices of bread with nutella instead of a dessert. So, you are thinking those aren't huge changes... But I'm taking this a day at a time and I'm going to bed proud of my choices today. I feel good and that's what is most important to me!
Resolutions...
Alright... I am doing this. I feel like I am really ready and I WANT to see myself the way I feel about myself. So I'll just throw this picture up, taken today by my mother-in-law.
I generally pose myself in a more flattering way for photos but this candid just plain tells it how it is. Believe me I already knew and it is a great "before" photo, don't you think?
A Love Story
I have this vision of myself, doing things. I’m rock climbing or hiking through the woods or kayaking or swimming in the ocean and I am not thinking about how I look doing it or how I can’t do it or how much I hate doing it because it is too difficult.... I am just living it and enjoying it and enjoying the way I feel. At peace.
That is how I feel spiritually right now. I am just enjoying every moment that I spend with God, even the uncomfortable ones. Because I finally feel like I have realized what it means to receive God’s love- and once you open yourself to that, every minute you are accepting it, is a moment of clarity, of peace, of pure love. No, my entire day doesn’t feel like that- but I hope that as God refines me and teaches me to continually open my heart to Him, more and more of my day will feel like that, regardless of the outlying circumstances.
Sometimes, my heart breaks for me. This is a fairly new revelation. Often in my life my heart has broken for other people and situations, but never for myself. I am not talking about feeling sorry for myself...I have done plenty of that in my life. This is a very deep, emotional understanding of where I am versus what God has for me. The beautiful and rewarding aspect of your heart breaking for yourself is that God promises that He will finish the work He has started in us- a very all encompassing work. When my heart breaks for me, it is a beautiful moment of feeling God’s presence and deepest desires for me. Of course I also feel completely broken but then, there is God right there with me speaking His promises to my heart.
Right now, I am not the parent or wife I would like to be. I weigh 188 pounds. 3 days ago I weighed 192 pounds. one.ninety.two. That is the most I have ever weighed. And yet, I am okay with who I am right now.
Wait, what?
Yep. I am OKAY WITH THAT. There is a part of me that was completely disgusted and self-loathing when I weighed 160 pounds and I was eating barely anything and working out every day. Even on those rare days when I felt like I was winning the housewife/stay-at-home mom trophy- the depth of my triumph could never reach the depth of my insecurities and personal hatred. So why on earth am I okay with the size I am right now? Why am I okay with my insufficiencies as a wife and mother?
I love myself. I see value and worth when I look at myself. I see the promises of God when I look in the mirror. I see His grace.
This has been a difficult journey for me and it certainly isn’t over. It is a daily thing to remind myself that my life is beautiful and so am I. But now I can say it to myself, and I mean it.
Is it okay for me to weigh 188 or 192 or 160 even? Is it okay when I yell at my kids or neglect folding laundry? The simplest answer: Yes.
The more complex answer: Not really. Right now, its okay. God allowed me to be at this point for very good reasons, no matter how many poor or inevitable choices got me here. He needed me to know that I had worth and value when I realized it was hard to cross my legs because of my weight. He needed me to know that I was his precious bride when my biggest pair of jeans barely buttoned. He needed me to know that even on my worst days as a mother when I parent terribly, order pizza for dinner and drink Dr. Pepper while sitting in bed- His presence will still fall on me and move me and speak to my heart, because He loves me.
I believe that when I dream and have visions of traveling and accomplishing exciting things, that someday those will be my reality. I also believe that God will bring me to that reality. What I don’t believe is that I am going to pray really hard and wake up skinny. I don’t believe that I will now make it through every day making the best possible food and exercise or even parenting choices for the rest of my life. I can say with all confidence that I will fail and I will struggle but something that I will not allow to happen ever again is believing that I am not worth fighting for. So I will be taking it one day at a time, loving my life and who I was created to be.
That is how I feel spiritually right now. I am just enjoying every moment that I spend with God, even the uncomfortable ones. Because I finally feel like I have realized what it means to receive God’s love- and once you open yourself to that, every minute you are accepting it, is a moment of clarity, of peace, of pure love. No, my entire day doesn’t feel like that- but I hope that as God refines me and teaches me to continually open my heart to Him, more and more of my day will feel like that, regardless of the outlying circumstances.
Sometimes, my heart breaks for me. This is a fairly new revelation. Often in my life my heart has broken for other people and situations, but never for myself. I am not talking about feeling sorry for myself...I have done plenty of that in my life. This is a very deep, emotional understanding of where I am versus what God has for me. The beautiful and rewarding aspect of your heart breaking for yourself is that God promises that He will finish the work He has started in us- a very all encompassing work. When my heart breaks for me, it is a beautiful moment of feeling God’s presence and deepest desires for me. Of course I also feel completely broken but then, there is God right there with me speaking His promises to my heart.
Right now, I am not the parent or wife I would like to be. I weigh 188 pounds. 3 days ago I weighed 192 pounds. one.ninety.two. That is the most I have ever weighed. And yet, I am okay with who I am right now.
Wait, what?
Yep. I am OKAY WITH THAT. There is a part of me that was completely disgusted and self-loathing when I weighed 160 pounds and I was eating barely anything and working out every day. Even on those rare days when I felt like I was winning the housewife/stay-at-home mom trophy- the depth of my triumph could never reach the depth of my insecurities and personal hatred. So why on earth am I okay with the size I am right now? Why am I okay with my insufficiencies as a wife and mother?
I love myself. I see value and worth when I look at myself. I see the promises of God when I look in the mirror. I see His grace.
This has been a difficult journey for me and it certainly isn’t over. It is a daily thing to remind myself that my life is beautiful and so am I. But now I can say it to myself, and I mean it.
Is it okay for me to weigh 188 or 192 or 160 even? Is it okay when I yell at my kids or neglect folding laundry? The simplest answer: Yes.
The more complex answer: Not really. Right now, its okay. God allowed me to be at this point for very good reasons, no matter how many poor or inevitable choices got me here. He needed me to know that I had worth and value when I realized it was hard to cross my legs because of my weight. He needed me to know that I was his precious bride when my biggest pair of jeans barely buttoned. He needed me to know that even on my worst days as a mother when I parent terribly, order pizza for dinner and drink Dr. Pepper while sitting in bed- His presence will still fall on me and move me and speak to my heart, because He loves me.
I believe that when I dream and have visions of traveling and accomplishing exciting things, that someday those will be my reality. I also believe that God will bring me to that reality. What I don’t believe is that I am going to pray really hard and wake up skinny. I don’t believe that I will now make it through every day making the best possible food and exercise or even parenting choices for the rest of my life. I can say with all confidence that I will fail and I will struggle but something that I will not allow to happen ever again is believing that I am not worth fighting for. So I will be taking it one day at a time, loving my life and who I was created to be.
Chapter Next
It has been 2 months since my last post...far too long to ignore my blog, my bad. In fact the last two months has been quite transitional. God has shown me a lot about perspectives, love and faith. I spent a month away from family but enriched by friends and family in Kenya and Mauritius. I returned home to the biggest decision Aldo and I have had to make in a long time - moving. As God continues to grow us and guide us there are a lot of things I am learning and my love for Watonga, Oklahoma is assurance for me that this is where God wants us. I know there is a lot to be read in between these lines but as I am still processing the last two months I am not going to go into all of it now. I love Jesus, I want to be crazy in love with Him...and so that is what I am focusing on now as we begin a new chapter in rural Oklahoma.
Kenya Here I Come
This is something I wrote for the Maisha blog. You can keep up with me every day in Kenya at www.wholeworldheart.blogspot.com
As a mother of a 3 year old, 2 year old and 1 year old, you would think Africa was the last thing on my mind- and many days, that is the truth. Its funny how motherhood, such an ultimate calling, alters our lives in so many ways. Even when a motherly bond is formed between a woman and someone who needs her, that woman is never the same. In the midst of the chaos and joy in the 4 years since I started having my own children, I began to wonder how I would ever serve in missions, which is what I felt was my true calling. In March of 2009 my husband had the opportunity to travel to Ecuador with a medical mission team. I lived through his fundraising and preparations vicariously but the reality was that he was going and I was not. I was 3 months pregnant with our 3rd child and my girls, aged 2 and 9 months, were both sick. I would have liked to say I spent that week interceding for my husband and the team he was on, but the reality is I was cleaning up after two sick kids and just trying to make it through each day without the much missed help from my husband. It was at this point that I stopped romanticizing the call to missions. For those of us who long to serve internationally, it can be heartbreaking to feel immobile. However the reality is that when we are called, God makes a way. When my husband returned from Ecuador, I began to question my call to missions. I searched desperately for what God was calling me to do. I half-heartedly volunteered for various ministries and focused most of my prayers on begging the Lord to reveal my purpose in life. In hindsight this is almost comical if it wasn’t so tragic. The tragedy was not God’s silence, but the degree to which I neglected to listen to what He was saying. Thankfully, God is the source of patience, understanding, love and wisdom. Through more than a year of pursuing my heart and providing me with a lot of loving guidance, the Lord has not only affirmed my purposes but completely changed the way I view my relationship with Him and the way I view my multifaceted calling. In 6 days I’ll be in Kenya. In 6 days I’ll be in Kenya exactly when the Lord intended me to be there, and by His grace, I’ll be there to offer things that I could not have offered until now. In 6 days, my children will miss me but they will remember the Christmas gift they gave to orphans by sharing their mommy and their things with children who have neither of those. In 6 days, God will break my heart for His children at Maisha International Orphanage in a way that only a mother’s heart can break. As Americans we sometimes get this twisted idea that what we have to offer in international missions is the kind of modern Christianity that only we can bring, but as I go to Kenya I fully expect to receive the type of Christianity that only God can bring.
As a mother of a 3 year old, 2 year old and 1 year old, you would think Africa was the last thing on my mind- and many days, that is the truth. Its funny how motherhood, such an ultimate calling, alters our lives in so many ways. Even when a motherly bond is formed between a woman and someone who needs her, that woman is never the same. In the midst of the chaos and joy in the 4 years since I started having my own children, I began to wonder how I would ever serve in missions, which is what I felt was my true calling. In March of 2009 my husband had the opportunity to travel to Ecuador with a medical mission team. I lived through his fundraising and preparations vicariously but the reality was that he was going and I was not. I was 3 months pregnant with our 3rd child and my girls, aged 2 and 9 months, were both sick. I would have liked to say I spent that week interceding for my husband and the team he was on, but the reality is I was cleaning up after two sick kids and just trying to make it through each day without the much missed help from my husband. It was at this point that I stopped romanticizing the call to missions. For those of us who long to serve internationally, it can be heartbreaking to feel immobile. However the reality is that when we are called, God makes a way. When my husband returned from Ecuador, I began to question my call to missions. I searched desperately for what God was calling me to do. I half-heartedly volunteered for various ministries and focused most of my prayers on begging the Lord to reveal my purpose in life. In hindsight this is almost comical if it wasn’t so tragic. The tragedy was not God’s silence, but the degree to which I neglected to listen to what He was saying. Thankfully, God is the source of patience, understanding, love and wisdom. Through more than a year of pursuing my heart and providing me with a lot of loving guidance, the Lord has not only affirmed my purposes but completely changed the way I view my relationship with Him and the way I view my multifaceted calling. In 6 days I’ll be in Kenya. In 6 days I’ll be in Kenya exactly when the Lord intended me to be there, and by His grace, I’ll be there to offer things that I could not have offered until now. In 6 days, my children will miss me but they will remember the Christmas gift they gave to orphans by sharing their mommy and their things with children who have neither of those. In 6 days, God will break my heart for His children at Maisha International Orphanage in a way that only a mother’s heart can break. As Americans we sometimes get this twisted idea that what we have to offer in international missions is the kind of modern Christianity that only we can bring, but as I go to Kenya I fully expect to receive the type of Christianity that only God can bring.
God Is Big
Have you ever felt like a speck? I mean really insignificant. I am taking astronomy this fall and let me tell you - it is amazing what God has created. Studying how completely tiny and brief I am has revealed a lot to me about God. And if anything, it has shown me how much He loves me. So how did I get from insignificant to loved? Well, when you take into account that insane magnitude of the universe, the ridiculous odds of life even existing and how this is so fully and obviously God actively creating us, it amazes me that the God of the universe goes to such lengths to pursue my heart, bring me joy, and heal my wounds. He is so cosmically amazing and unfathomable and yet so personal and intimate all at once.
When I think about my upcoming mission trip and try to imagine the experience, I am so grateful that I will get to be a part of offering a fragment of hope, of faith, of life. I reflect on the hundreds of people who have done that in my own life and again I am amazed at this orchestrated symphony of love and relationship that God conducts. Even through the deserts, the dead spaces, the valleys...I was being taught something, shown something and because of those instances, my experiences of being flooded with love and blessings, feeling so alive and on top of the world were enhanced. The magnitude of God's goodness being slowly revealed. If I have the opportunity to share a drink, a meal, a story, a song, and life-even if only for a moment- I hope it becomes a moment that someone else begins to feel the overwhelming goodness of the Creator of the universe.
Please pray for this trip...and for each of my days...that I be a bearer of the cup of Living Water, overflowing with mercy and grace and love.
When I think about my upcoming mission trip and try to imagine the experience, I am so grateful that I will get to be a part of offering a fragment of hope, of faith, of life. I reflect on the hundreds of people who have done that in my own life and again I am amazed at this orchestrated symphony of love and relationship that God conducts. Even through the deserts, the dead spaces, the valleys...I was being taught something, shown something and because of those instances, my experiences of being flooded with love and blessings, feeling so alive and on top of the world were enhanced. The magnitude of God's goodness being slowly revealed. If I have the opportunity to share a drink, a meal, a story, a song, and life-even if only for a moment- I hope it becomes a moment that someone else begins to feel the overwhelming goodness of the Creator of the universe.
Please pray for this trip...and for each of my days...that I be a bearer of the cup of Living Water, overflowing with mercy and grace and love.
Superwoman
Sometimes, I wish I were superwoman. I'm pretty sure this is a relatively normal aspiration. With so much on my plate I think I am giving about 75% in each area which equates to a sub par performance on every level. It is one of those days that I am seriously considering waking up at an absurd hour to clean my house so that I feel productive...I'll be sure to let you know if that happens. The real kicker is that even when I want to be better at my life, I seem to to do worse at it. I am not trying to create sympathy here...I am not sympathetic to apathy and laziness. I guess I am just writing it out in hopes of deciphering a root cause. At this point the conclusion is simply that I am lazy and apathetic...something that I hope to change somehow very soon. I have other theories but they really don't even merit a mention because I haven't been able to filter out the ones that are just excuses for my behavior. In the meantime, prayers are greatly appreciated as the one solid conclusion I have is that I am nothing and can do nothing without Him who gives me strength. Cliche? Take it or leave it.
Phi Theta Kappa
Tonight I had the opportunity to be inducted into the community college honor society, Phi Theta Kappa. It was such an honor. I really want to be excellent in what I do, whether that is as a follower of Christ, a wife, a mother, a friend, a writer or a student. Being recognized for one's effort and hard work is such a blessing that doesn't happen enough for all the amazing people I know, so being recognized for academic excellence was a special blessing for me. Not for one second can I take credit for it though! At any point that I excel at anything it is because of the grace of God on my life and the amazing people that are in it. My husband has been studying and working endlessly on his degree to become a Physician Assistant, he happily and graciously encouraged me to go back to school this year and finish my associates degree- never once complaining about the dinners he would have to make and the sacrifice of time that he would give from his own studies to help me succeed. He sat and listened to dozens of papers, poems and frustrations from me and always encouraged me to follow my dreams. My mother and other mother (Aldo's mom) have been pillars of encouragement and constantly stepped in, no matter the inconvenience for them, to facilitate my success in everything I try to do. Not to mention the friends and professors who have consistently been positive and encouraged me to keep writing and pursuing what I love. Anyway, I guess I am just reflecting on how blessed my life has been for me to even manage a level of excellence that gets recognition. Thank you to those that have encouraged me and gone out of your way to help me do what I love.
Maisha Means Life
Gah- it has been so long since I posted..I kind of slacked when I started The Ground At My Feet(www.thegroundatmyfeet.blogspot.com)...plus I have just been super busy! I have been processing so much lately too. Something that you have probably seen me post a billion times on facebook has to do with Maisha International Orphanage. (www.maishainternational.org) I am so excited to go on this trip and experience Maisha and Kenya. Choosing to go on this trip came with a lot of prayer and conversation, after all Aldo is finishing up school, preparing for boards, we have 3 small children and certainly finances are tight. All of these things led me to logically (and incorrectly) rule out going on the trip initially. It soon became very evident that this trip was something God wanted me to be a part of. Once Aldo and I had made the decision that I would go I had the task of explaining to Arielle, age 3, Leilani, age 2, and Loic, only 1, where I was going and why I was going and how that affected them. Okay so where was not too hard! My kids can point out Africa on a map and we talk about it and watch clips about Africa on a pretty regular basis. I then explained that at Maisha there were a lot of children whose mommy and daddy had died from a terrible disease called AIDS. So I asked them if they would be willing to share their mommy with the kids at Maisha for Christmas. Arielle and Leilani thought that was a great idea, even if it meant that I couldn't be with them for a couple weeks. Arielle immediately insisted that she give some of her toys and clothes to the kids- WOW! She is THREE and that was an idea all her own! She inspired me to pack clothes that I will wear during the trip and leave in Kenya as well as putting as much toys and clothing in the remainder of my suitcases as I can. There is something about watching your own child grasp the concept of sacrifice and giving that changes you a little bit, at least for me. I still get tears in my eyes just thinking about her reaction about my going on this trip. I just pray that I grasp sacrifice in the deepest sense possible because I know that it is something that sets me deeply in touch with who Jesus is and what He died for.
New Blog!
Well I did, at last, decide to publish a new blog featuring my poetry and writing.
Check it out and follow me if it interests you! I will still be posting over here about my life and other personal adventures and revelations, but over at The Ground At My Feet you will find new posts almost every day! Thanks for being interested in anything I have had to say!
Check it out and follow me if it interests you! I will still be posting over here about my life and other personal adventures and revelations, but over at The Ground At My Feet you will find new posts almost every day! Thanks for being interested in anything I have had to say!
Poetry
Ah poetry. Little can be said better than through the words of the poet. Having the opportunity to focus on poetry for a whole semester (and get a grade for it!) has left me stumbling happily between Kinnell, Poe, Basho, Plath and Ginsberg among others. Probably the most fantastic aspect of this class however, is exploring those graphic images of my memory, sucking out the emotions and meaningful moments, good and bad and undecided, to create something that is more than just writing. A major assignment this semester will be my portfolio. Although I won't share all my poetry via the blogosphere, there are times that I think I will, like today. I may even eventually create a new blog just for my poetry - stay tuned for that - I'm still not sure about it. In any case, the following narrative (and un-rhyming!) poem is one that I wanted to share. I wrote it for an assignment as my attempt at narrative poetry. I'll let the poem do the talking. Feel free to comment or question.
Eesti Vabariik (The Republic of Estonia)
by Megan Dinan
My eyes vacation on idyllic images of Tallin
Pressing on my retinas-
St Olav’s Spire piercing an empty Baltic sky,
St Catherine’s Passage full of those verified talents
And cobble stones unevenly pave the way to
Churches for St Mary, St Michael, St John,
St Simeon and the Prophetess Hanna, and two for St Nicholas.
The Holy Spirit Church’s clock indicates the time
I board the train to Keila.
My eyes sift through the rummage
Of over-occupation,
The remains of 90,000 german-murdered,
Innocent citizens unable to speak but managing
To visit through the blur of the train passing by.
Concrete ghosts stand gaping like dead men,
Remnants of crumbling communism-
In effigy of Stalin.
I step off the train onto rickety platforms,
Driven in an old car to the pretty, quiet camp.
I read a verse from my Estonian bible and
The empty hearts of Estonian youth drink
This spirituality from a cold river of relationship
Where western tourists believe that they have brought
The beginning of religion to a freshly democratic fairy tale.
Eesti Vabariik (The Republic of Estonia)
by Megan Dinan
My eyes vacation on idyllic images of Tallin
Pressing on my retinas-
St Olav’s Spire piercing an empty Baltic sky,
St Catherine’s Passage full of those verified talents
And cobble stones unevenly pave the way to
Churches for St Mary, St Michael, St John,
St Simeon and the Prophetess Hanna, and two for St Nicholas.
The Holy Spirit Church’s clock indicates the time
I board the train to Keila.
My eyes sift through the rummage
Of over-occupation,
The remains of 90,000 german-murdered,
Innocent citizens unable to speak but managing
To visit through the blur of the train passing by.
Concrete ghosts stand gaping like dead men,
Remnants of crumbling communism-
In effigy of Stalin.
I step off the train onto rickety platforms,
Driven in an old car to the pretty, quiet camp.
I read a verse from my Estonian bible and
The empty hearts of Estonian youth drink
This spirituality from a cold river of relationship
Where western tourists believe that they have brought
The beginning of religion to a freshly democratic fairy tale.
Sorry for the absence! What a crazy month August has been. I really enjoyed my intersession government class and this week began my last 3 classes for my AAS! I know that so often I downplay how important this is to me. Despite its paltry standing next to Aldo's soon to be completed Masters in Medicine, this little Associates degree has a lengthy history and intimate importance for me.
An interesting thought that has been cultivating in my mind since l began classes in the spring is that I really enjoy learning. I think this is a developed interest. There were so many layers of seemingly unrelated issues that proceeded this degree completion. I won't go into all of that, but now that I am where I am with my education, I am so very satisfied with everything and relishing the knowledge being dished out. Being able to take a class geared more towards my ultimate interest in writing just brings me such deep joy. Being challenged on a creative level satiates some part of my being and I am beginning to realize how completely designed I am. This realization makes me happy. Thank you Jesus for DESIGNING me. We are not some haphazard, post-thought to creation... just think about how intricately designed you are and rejoice in the God who created you to be you.
An interesting thought that has been cultivating in my mind since l began classes in the spring is that I really enjoy learning. I think this is a developed interest. There were so many layers of seemingly unrelated issues that proceeded this degree completion. I won't go into all of that, but now that I am where I am with my education, I am so very satisfied with everything and relishing the knowledge being dished out. Being able to take a class geared more towards my ultimate interest in writing just brings me such deep joy. Being challenged on a creative level satiates some part of my being and I am beginning to realize how completely designed I am. This realization makes me happy. Thank you Jesus for DESIGNING me. We are not some haphazard, post-thought to creation... just think about how intricately designed you are and rejoice in the God who created you to be you.
Reflections
Life has been crazy lately! I officially began fall classes with an interim government class that is every night from 5-10 pm for two weeks. I am thoroughly enjoying the class and thoroughly NOT enjoying being absent from home during the time of day that we all get to be together. However the long traffic-filled drives to school have given me a lot of time to think...which I don't do enough. I have plenty to think about but lately my mind has been swirling around the ultimate purpose of my life and what does that really look like?
For a long time I have wanted to serve in missions. As I became an adult the ultimate purpose for my life became an ever present question. It's true that Aldo and I really felt called to missions as individuals and that shared calling is probably one of the biggest reasons we ultimately pursued a relationship to one another. As life happened, we drifted in and out of commitment to that calling. Early this year, while we ate out for our SIXTH anniversary we had a very gritty conversation about where we were going to let life take us. And, as it has happened many time before, we came back to the same conclusion that God was calling us to be missional. Now I understand that being missional really should be incorporated into the daily life of every Christian, but just as some are called as teachers, or pastors, or worshippers, there is a more specific element to a missional calling as well.
As we prepare for Aldo's graduation in December we suddenly are being jilted out of the complacency that has accompanied the predictability of a school schedule. We are also faced with the decision of how to take the opportunities in front of us, and live on purpose towards our calling. Today in particular I have felt cloaked in normalcy. Hear me right on this because I am not talking about there being anything wrong with living normally.
I often wonder what happens next, and although I have much improved my ability to focus on living in the present, there are days that I sit around and feel as though I am pulling on God's sleeve like a little child asking "Are we there yet?" I thoroughly enjoy living in my day to day and pursuing being the mother and wife that God is molding me to, but then there are those days....
I sometimes imagine being in Africa among trees and wildlife, watching my children play with their african friends, but what strikes me about these fantasies is that I am never doing anything. It is then that I jump on the computer and devour college websites trying to think of how best to educate myself so that at the right moment I have something to "do" that will change someone's life and then all of a sudden... like today....
I realize that the only thing that I will "do" that will change anyone's life, including my own, is to do nothing. I have to be that person who is willing to be molded and shaped into someone who will truly let God "do". I cannot do anything outside of what He has planned for my life that will make me more effective as an image bearer of Christ. So tonight, I am just sitting here, hoping that I am not "doing" anything, so that I can soak up what God is whispering to my heart...so that I know His heart, so that I reflect it.
For a long time I have wanted to serve in missions. As I became an adult the ultimate purpose for my life became an ever present question. It's true that Aldo and I really felt called to missions as individuals and that shared calling is probably one of the biggest reasons we ultimately pursued a relationship to one another. As life happened, we drifted in and out of commitment to that calling. Early this year, while we ate out for our SIXTH anniversary we had a very gritty conversation about where we were going to let life take us. And, as it has happened many time before, we came back to the same conclusion that God was calling us to be missional. Now I understand that being missional really should be incorporated into the daily life of every Christian, but just as some are called as teachers, or pastors, or worshippers, there is a more specific element to a missional calling as well.
As we prepare for Aldo's graduation in December we suddenly are being jilted out of the complacency that has accompanied the predictability of a school schedule. We are also faced with the decision of how to take the opportunities in front of us, and live on purpose towards our calling. Today in particular I have felt cloaked in normalcy. Hear me right on this because I am not talking about there being anything wrong with living normally.
I often wonder what happens next, and although I have much improved my ability to focus on living in the present, there are days that I sit around and feel as though I am pulling on God's sleeve like a little child asking "Are we there yet?" I thoroughly enjoy living in my day to day and pursuing being the mother and wife that God is molding me to, but then there are those days....
I sometimes imagine being in Africa among trees and wildlife, watching my children play with their african friends, but what strikes me about these fantasies is that I am never doing anything. It is then that I jump on the computer and devour college websites trying to think of how best to educate myself so that at the right moment I have something to "do" that will change someone's life and then all of a sudden... like today....
I realize that the only thing that I will "do" that will change anyone's life, including my own, is to do nothing. I have to be that person who is willing to be molded and shaped into someone who will truly let God "do". I cannot do anything outside of what He has planned for my life that will make me more effective as an image bearer of Christ. So tonight, I am just sitting here, hoping that I am not "doing" anything, so that I can soak up what God is whispering to my heart...so that I know His heart, so that I reflect it.
Creativity
I have always been interested in creating things. I am not "crafty" but I certainly do try! In fact, it is the process of creating that refreshes my spirit and when I finish something and think "it is good", there is such a feeling of joy. As I began to focus more on my craft projects and art the last few weeks I was challenged by my husband. He questioned my passionate desire to do my little projects (admittedly I sometimes get carried away...). As we resolved our feelings concerning my "projects" I began to wonder exactly what it was about my projects that meant so much to me.
It was then that I realized, as God so often does with me, that this simple pleasure in my life ultimately pointed to my nature as a child of God. He is, after all, the ultimate Creator. Every thing that inspires me to create originates in His creativity. Every fabric print, every shiny snip of ribbon, every image of nature, every smile on my children's faces, every sunset, every poem... even when the work of someone else inspires me...they were created by God and their work was undoubtedly inspired by some movement of God's design. When I am filled with joy and a sense of accomplishment at a finished project, I must be sharing in a small part of what God felt when He finished the creation of the universe and world. What an absolute honor that God allows us to share in this!
Not only can we share in this, but we are His creation, and He does look at each and every one of us and say "It is good"! So whether or not you enjoy creating things, rejoice in the fact that you are a creation by the ultimate Creator, and He loves you.
(Please note that I have now included a link to my etsy shop online with my items for sale. A portion of these sales will be the foundation of our fundraising for future missions as well as 10% going to our church, Frontline. This is an exciting new venture for me and I am sure I will be sharing more of it with you in future posts!)
It was then that I realized, as God so often does with me, that this simple pleasure in my life ultimately pointed to my nature as a child of God. He is, after all, the ultimate Creator. Every thing that inspires me to create originates in His creativity. Every fabric print, every shiny snip of ribbon, every image of nature, every smile on my children's faces, every sunset, every poem... even when the work of someone else inspires me...they were created by God and their work was undoubtedly inspired by some movement of God's design. When I am filled with joy and a sense of accomplishment at a finished project, I must be sharing in a small part of what God felt when He finished the creation of the universe and world. What an absolute honor that God allows us to share in this!
Not only can we share in this, but we are His creation, and He does look at each and every one of us and say "It is good"! So whether or not you enjoy creating things, rejoice in the fact that you are a creation by the ultimate Creator, and He loves you.
(Please note that I have now included a link to my etsy shop online with my items for sale. A portion of these sales will be the foundation of our fundraising for future missions as well as 10% going to our church, Frontline. This is an exciting new venture for me and I am sure I will be sharing more of it with you in future posts!)
He Brings Me Flowers
Okay, I know I just posted yesterday but I really wanted to share what I was feeling today, especially as I woman to other women.
Yesterday was date night for Aldo and I. I love date night - time away to have conversation, stare at each other and eat good food uninterrupted! Well when Aldo got home from work he had a beautiful vase full of flowers and a very touching, personal card. Now, I do not get flowers often, maybe once or twice year - and always for a specific occasion, like Mother's Day, so these "random" flowers really meant a lot to me and it was a very romantic gesture from my sweet hubby.
This morning while I ate breakfast the flowers were sitting in front of me at the table. As I gazed at them I felt really overcome with emotion, I felt loved. I felt loved by my husband, but even more than that, I felt loved by God.
I can hear the minds thinking "Loved by God because your husband brought you flowers?" Yes! I started praising God because I realized that there are moments every day that He "brings me flowers"...small fragrant moments of beauty that permeate my life. Gestures of His passionate love and pursuit for me. If you read this, I encourage you to meditate on how God romances you through out your day. That is what I am going to be doing today. Just soaking up all the love that my Savior pours out on me. If you are unaware of God's love for you, let this little post prompt you to take a moment, get away from all that life is right now, bring some worship music (google Jason Upton or Kim Walker, or Alberto and Kimberly Rivera and I am sure you will find something on YouTube - if you don't have any good worship music laying around), turn off all the gadgets, let the sunlight be the only light in the room, or a candle, and just sit there and receive God's love. Trust me, it is there, waiting to be received.
Yesterday was date night for Aldo and I. I love date night - time away to have conversation, stare at each other and eat good food uninterrupted! Well when Aldo got home from work he had a beautiful vase full of flowers and a very touching, personal card. Now, I do not get flowers often, maybe once or twice year - and always for a specific occasion, like Mother's Day, so these "random" flowers really meant a lot to me and it was a very romantic gesture from my sweet hubby.
This morning while I ate breakfast the flowers were sitting in front of me at the table. As I gazed at them I felt really overcome with emotion, I felt loved. I felt loved by my husband, but even more than that, I felt loved by God.
I can hear the minds thinking "Loved by God because your husband brought you flowers?" Yes! I started praising God because I realized that there are moments every day that He "brings me flowers"...small fragrant moments of beauty that permeate my life. Gestures of His passionate love and pursuit for me. If you read this, I encourage you to meditate on how God romances you through out your day. That is what I am going to be doing today. Just soaking up all the love that my Savior pours out on me. If you are unaware of God's love for you, let this little post prompt you to take a moment, get away from all that life is right now, bring some worship music (google Jason Upton or Kim Walker, or Alberto and Kimberly Rivera and I am sure you will find something on YouTube - if you don't have any good worship music laying around), turn off all the gadgets, let the sunlight be the only light in the room, or a candle, and just sit there and receive God's love. Trust me, it is there, waiting to be received.
Obedience - Part 2
So here I am again making an attempt to finish what I started with my post on obedience. This time I want to give you some ways in which you can be obedient. These are just a few ways that I have determined, through scripture, that the Lord reveals to us how to be obedient. Because I feel strongly about supporting anything I say with scripture, there is a lot of that in this post - but it is SO good!
The Old Testament is full of laws, so no doubt the topic of obedience is addressed many times. The big picture of obedience and what comes as a result can be seen in Exodus:
Exodus 19:4-6 God’s promise that results from obedience
4'You yourselves have seen what I did to the Egyptians, and how I bore you on eagles' wings, and brought you to Myself. 5'Now then, if you will indeed obey My voice and keep My covenant, then you shall be My own possession among all the peoples, for all the earth is Mine; 6and you shall be to Me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.' These are the words that you shall speak to the sons of Israel."
This is a powerful statement from God, He truly has a royal life for those who choose Him. Isaiah expands on this very thing, and starts to get more specific about way we can obey:
Isaiah 56:1-7 Obedience is heeding God’s commands and loving the Lord.
Rewards for Obedience to God
1Thus says the LORD,
"Preserve justice and do righteousness,
For My salvation is about to come
And My righteousness to be revealed.
2"How blessed is the man who does this,
And the son of man who takes hold of it;
Who keeps from profaning the sabbath,
And keeps his hand from doing any evil."
3Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the LORD say,
"The LORD will surely separate me from His people "
Nor let the eunuch say, "Behold, I am a dry tree."
4For thus says the LORD, "To the eunuchs who keep My sabbaths, And choose what pleases Me, And hold fast My covenant, 5To them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial, And a name better than that of sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off. 6"Also the foreigners who join themselves to the LORD, To minister to Him, and to love the name of the LORD, To be His servants, every one who keeps from profaning the sabbath And holds fast My covenant; 7Even those I will bring to My holy mountain And make them joyful in My house of prayer Their burnt offerings and their sacrifices will be acceptable on My altar; For My house will be called a house of prayer for all the peoples."
When we get to the New Testament, we have the fulfillment of the old law in Jesus and his death and resurrection - YAY! SO through salvation in Jesus Christ we obtain the inheritance of His obedience and as we pursue sanctification in Him, we find new ways to obey. A great theme of Jesus' ministry is love, and so it is no wonder that love is a way in which we can be obedient.
2 John 1:6 - obedience and love
6And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.
Now that our salvation is found in Jesus, we are reminded that faith is still critical to our spiritual life and well being. It is through obedient faith that we receive all that God has for us, here on earth and in heaven!
Hebrews 11:8 - obedience and faith
8By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
One of the most important aspects of obedience is the fact that our obedience is a tool that God uses to reach other people. The way we obey and serve God is a testimony, and our confession of the gospel of Christ is obedience.
2 Corinthians 9:13-15 Obedience in sharing the Gospel
13Because of the proof given by this ministry, they will glorify God for your obedience to your confession of the gospel of Christ and for the liberality of your contribution to them and to all, 14while they also, by prayer on your behalf, yearn for you because of the surpassing grace of God in you.15Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!
One aspect of obedience that we may often hope to overlook, is that of suffering. Wouldn't we all rather not deal with that one? However obedient suffering is a deeply intimate action of obedience that Jesus fully experienced and it is His suffering that sets an example of obedient suffering.
Hebrews 5:8 Obedience learned through suffering (Jesus)
8Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered.
So to wrap things up I want to emphasize obedience and love one more time. Why do we obey God? Why do we have a desire to obey God? Because He loves us, and it was Jesus' supreme act of obedience, death on the cross, that enables us to intimately know God and begin our journey of relationship with Him. Surely Jesus' obedient death on the cross, a deeply personal act of intense love for you, is worth pursuing obedience and love in a relationship with Him.
The Old Testament is full of laws, so no doubt the topic of obedience is addressed many times. The big picture of obedience and what comes as a result can be seen in Exodus:
Exodus 19:4-6 God’s promise that results from obedience
4'You yourselves have seen what I did to the Egyptians, and how I bore you on eagles' wings, and brought you to Myself. 5'Now then, if you will indeed obey My voice and keep My covenant, then you shall be My own possession among all the peoples, for all the earth is Mine; 6and you shall be to Me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.' These are the words that you shall speak to the sons of Israel."
This is a powerful statement from God, He truly has a royal life for those who choose Him. Isaiah expands on this very thing, and starts to get more specific about way we can obey:
Isaiah 56:1-7 Obedience is heeding God’s commands and loving the Lord.
Rewards for Obedience to God
1Thus says the LORD,
"Preserve justice and do righteousness,
For My salvation is about to come
And My righteousness to be revealed.
2"How blessed is the man who does this,
And the son of man who takes hold of it;
Who keeps from profaning the sabbath,
And keeps his hand from doing any evil."
3Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the LORD say,
"The LORD will surely separate me from His people "
Nor let the eunuch say, "Behold, I am a dry tree."
4For thus says the LORD, "To the eunuchs who keep My sabbaths, And choose what pleases Me, And hold fast My covenant, 5To them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial, And a name better than that of sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off. 6"Also the foreigners who join themselves to the LORD, To minister to Him, and to love the name of the LORD, To be His servants, every one who keeps from profaning the sabbath And holds fast My covenant; 7Even those I will bring to My holy mountain And make them joyful in My house of prayer Their burnt offerings and their sacrifices will be acceptable on My altar; For My house will be called a house of prayer for all the peoples."
When we get to the New Testament, we have the fulfillment of the old law in Jesus and his death and resurrection - YAY! SO through salvation in Jesus Christ we obtain the inheritance of His obedience and as we pursue sanctification in Him, we find new ways to obey. A great theme of Jesus' ministry is love, and so it is no wonder that love is a way in which we can be obedient.
2 John 1:6 - obedience and love
6And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.
Now that our salvation is found in Jesus, we are reminded that faith is still critical to our spiritual life and well being. It is through obedient faith that we receive all that God has for us, here on earth and in heaven!
Hebrews 11:8 - obedience and faith
8By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
One of the most important aspects of obedience is the fact that our obedience is a tool that God uses to reach other people. The way we obey and serve God is a testimony, and our confession of the gospel of Christ is obedience.
2 Corinthians 9:13-15 Obedience in sharing the Gospel
13Because of the proof given by this ministry, they will glorify God for your obedience to your confession of the gospel of Christ and for the liberality of your contribution to them and to all, 14while they also, by prayer on your behalf, yearn for you because of the surpassing grace of God in you.15Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!
One aspect of obedience that we may often hope to overlook, is that of suffering. Wouldn't we all rather not deal with that one? However obedient suffering is a deeply intimate action of obedience that Jesus fully experienced and it is His suffering that sets an example of obedient suffering.
Hebrews 5:8 Obedience learned through suffering (Jesus)
8Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered.
So to wrap things up I want to emphasize obedience and love one more time. Why do we obey God? Why do we have a desire to obey God? Because He loves us, and it was Jesus' supreme act of obedience, death on the cross, that enables us to intimately know God and begin our journey of relationship with Him. Surely Jesus' obedient death on the cross, a deeply personal act of intense love for you, is worth pursuing obedience and love in a relationship with Him.
